Saying "No" for Greater Sanity

You might be feeling overworked or overwhelmed because there doesn’t seem to be enough time for you to do what you want to and must do. So many people want you to weigh in on or be a part of their projects. That means you probably over-commit! You might feel like you’re favoring one person over another, being pulled in too many, or simply not getting the important things done. In the end, you may realize that you rarely honor your own needs and wants.

If this sounds like your experience, chances are it’s mostly your own dang fault.

Most likely, you have established boundaries that serve everyone else except you. Consequently, your current boundaries aren’t supporting your own sanity or productivity (although in a weird way they might be serving your how your see yourself).

Why in the world would you put yourself in the position of being pulled in too many directions, at everyone else’s beck and call? There could be biological and cultural forces that are contributing.

Female Biology and Cultural Attitudes Encourage Women to Foster Relationships

First, from a biological perspective, research using brain scans shows that those who are more feminine place a premium on bonding with others and building relationships. Additionally, the feminine hormones estrogen and oxytocin, which are usually higher in females, promote bonding with others.

Second, many cultural norms expect females automatically have the feminine characteristics of being “warm”, accommodating, and passive. That is, others might assume that you want to please others, nurture others, and to generally be happy “helping” others.

While there’s nothing wrong with showing warmth, putting others first, and not insisting on what you want, it’s not always required or even healthy for you to put your needs, wants, and priorities last. When your own attention and priorities slip to the bottom of the list on a regular basis, you’ll start to feel taken for granted, underappreciated, or overwhelmed. Often when you start feeling this way, it’s a sign that your boundaries aren’t working for you. You might benefit from learning to say “no” more often.

To avoid feeling taken advantage of and to enforce better personal boundaries, you need to be more thoughtful about when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. When you can do this regularly, you’ll protect your own time, attention, and energy for your priorities and still have opportunities to assist others.

Here are some guidelines for when, to whom, and how to say “no”:

Set Personal/Work Priorities

You will take on too much when you don’t know what’s important and/or urgent in your life. Setting priorities is a way to give yourself permission for where to focus your time, attention, and energy. Friends, family, your kids’ activities, hobbies, self-care, education . . . . all of these compete for your energy and attention. You must decide which ones get your time and attention first. For example, if you prioritize taking a night class on Tuesday evenings, you know you’ll have to say “no” to any request that interferes with that.

Know When It’s Appropriate to Say “No”

At work, consider declining a request for your time, attention, and energy:

1. When the request is not a work-related task from your boss, AND

2. When at least one of the following is true:

• The request for your time, attention, and energy does not align or correspond with your current personal and work priorities;

• You can’t accept the request without your other work priorities suffering; or

• The requested work does not offer you a significant opportunity for learning or career development.

In general, consider saying “yes” only if the request:

1. Fits in with your current priorities;

2. You can take it on without putting your other priorities (at work and home) on hold; or

3. The request will provide a great opportunity to acquire new, valuable skills or to expand your network of personal or professional acquaintances in meaningful way.

Consider Who’s Asking

Consider the context, your experience, and position. At work, the more senior you are, the more leeway you have to say “no” to others with less experience or seniority. You can always accept a request from someone less senior than you if it will be good for your career, gives you desired/important job skills, aligns with your priorities, or will be personally gratifying. If you still start to feel overwhelmed, work with your boss to ensure you both agree how you will re-prioritize your other projects and tasks to take on any new ones.

In your personal life, reassess priorities and recommit to or reprioritize them to reflect what’s important to you, based on which person or organization is asking you to take on something new.

Say “No” Without Appearing Uncaring or Selfish

In general, it’s best to say “no” as little as possible and in line with your current personal and work commitments as well as career aspirations. One way to avoid saying “no” without definitely saying “yes” is to indicate you’ll accept if certain conditions can be met. For example, you could say, “YES, I am happy to be a part of that project IF it will only take about an hour of my time each week.”

Other ways to say “no” include:

• Be gracious when saying “no”. This shows that the relationship is important to you.

• Take time to think about the request before declining. A fast decision or an abrupt “no” can leave the other person believing you didn’t even listen to what they asked. By the same token, an automatic “yes” can send you on your way to feeling taken advantage of. Simply ask if you can think about it and get back to the requester within a day or so. Then take that time to review your current time commitments and priorities before giving your final answer.

• Be clear that you are saying “no”. Too much sugar-coating or hemming and hawing will bury your “no” and lead to misunderstandings.

• Show respect by declining requests in person if possible.

• Don’t refuse a request just because it’s outside your comfort zone. Say “yes” if it won’t detract from your current focus and/or is related to your personal and work priorities, learning, or career development.

You probably say “yes” to many requests to appear friendly or cooperative. You can be friendly and cooperative while declining a request. Having said that, when you do say “no”, it won’t always be easy. Keep in mind you are most likely going against your brain biology and family or cultural norms. So, be honest and smart about how you decline a request. Others will respect knowing where your boundaries are, and overtime, they’ll be smarter about the requests they make of you.