Suggestions for Thriving During the Uncertainty of Life Transitions

In a previous post, I covered liminal space or circumstances. There I described liminal circumstances as psychological or metaphorical times when you are moving into something new, like a new work situation, a new relationship situation, or a change in how you see yourself. Liminal circumstances are those awkward and uncertain in-between times during a change when you feel unsettled … like you are in limbo.

It’s during these liminal times that you have your best opportunities to optimize your personal growth. Once you realize you’re in a betwixt and between, liminal phase, this is a signal that you can consciously move into a better way of being. In other words, before you determine what to “do” (e.g., how to behave differently than before), the more important task is to figure out who you want to “be” going forward.

In that spirit, here are my top suggestions for making the most of liminal phases:

• Don’t fight the transition, accept it.

Be a good Buddhist and acknowledge that nothing in life is permanent. Change happens everywhere all the time. You learn and grow the most by flowing with change, especially changes that are tough for you. When you accept that change is normal and that it’s happening in your world, no matter how uncomfortable it is change can bring better things to you if stay open and keep a flexible mindset. You won’t recognize opportunities if you think, “Woe is me.”

• Ask “why” nine times (or more) to get to the heart of any resistance.

Keep asking yourself “why” until you get to the bottom of what is causing your uneasiness.

1. Why is this so uncomfortable for me?

Because _____.

2. Why does that make me so uncomfortable?

Because _____ is unfair.

3. Why is ____ unfair and why does the unfairness bother me?

Because ______.

And so on.

You know you’ve gotten to the heart of your resistance when you keep getting the same answer for “why”. Once you find the root cause, sometimes your resistance disappears. Sometimes you need to use other techniques and practices to lessen or eliminate the emotional charge you have around what’s causing the resistance.

• Keep a gratitude journal.

Grab a notebook and write down what you’re grateful for in your life. Try to make this a daily practice. Jot down who or what is supporting you as well as everything good in your life. You can also list what you hope for on the other side of the change.

• Journal daily.

Along with a gratitude journal, generally write about what you’re experiencing. Thinking about things tends to keep them on perpetual repeat in your head. Then they grow into bigger issues than they really are. Move your thoughts down your arm, into your hand, and out on paper. Your writing does not have to be coherent. It just needs to be your thoughts and ideas. Use words or pictures if you like.

Once you write down your thoughts, you can look at what you were thinking. This puts some distance between you and your thoughts, so you can see that what was nagging at you is smaller and more manageable than it was inside your head. With a little distance from your thoughts, it is easier to recognize the path that you ultimately want to take.

• Focus on what you can control.

Even when life feels highly unsettled, you have control over some things, including your thoughts and behaviors. You can’t control other people, so don’t focus on others what others think about you or what you think they should do. Focus on what you can think and do.

• Reflect on how well you have bounced back during past transitions.

Maybe you recently became a first-time mom, or you bounced back from the loss of a marriage, a job, or a loved one. Whatever challenges you’ve faced in the past, remind yourself how resilient you’ve been. This can build your confidence.

Also, you can look at specifically what you did in the past to successfully deal with uncertainty. Those same strategies may also work in your current situation. If you’re not sure, ask friends and mentors who have gone through similar transitions for their wisdom. And bonus: you’ll make stronger connections with the people in your life support you.

• Reframe how you look at your circumstances.

Observe your own responses and make them more neutral and less judgmental. Instead of resisting the change, reframe it as an adventure or the start of a new chapter. Becoming curious about the future and openly anticipating it allows you to see new possibilities where you otherwise might not.

Instead of saying you’re “anxious”, say that you’re “eager to see what comes next”. Use phrases like “I look forward to” or “I like it when” to help shift your vision for the future to something more positive.

• Get creative.

View liminal circumstances as the perfect time to ask, “Why not?” instead of “What if?” Asking “What if” can be dangerous because it can create too many options, which may lead to more anxiety. On the other hand, “Why not?” can focus you more on positive outcomes, so you avoid catastrophizing. Using your creativity, you can explore during liminal phases, see the time as an opportunity for transformation, and step outside your comfort zone to do things differently.

• Practice mindfulness or meditation.

Mindfulness and meditation help you see that you are not your thoughts, which in turn helps you quiet your “inner critic” and other obnoxious thoughts. After meditating regularly, you’ll find you’re not as reactive to what happens around you and are better able to respond to whatever life throws your way.

Instead of suffering through, see your liminal time during transitions as the fertile ground it is. Weed out old ways of being, including your resistance to change. Use creativity and optimism to plant new ways of seeing yourself and your circumstances as you foster your personal growth. After all, the point of the transition is to let go of who you think you are to become who you’re meant to be.